Dear Reyne,

            I am a first year graduate student.  I just joined a lab, and I am miserable.  Everyone else in the lab is so much older.  The next youngest student is a third year.  They already know each other so well.  They never invite me to lunch, and I am always left out of the conversation.   I also need a lot of help because I am new.  They do help me, but they make me feel stupid in the process.  I just feel lonely and isolated.  I really love the research and my boss.  I want to do well here and be accepted.  Is there anything I can do?

Sincerely,

Alone in an Organic Chemistry Lab, CA

Dear Alone,

You’re not alone!  Almost all of the first year graduate students I know go through something similar.  With regards to being left out, it’s part of the initiation process.  Your lab has had a nice working dynamic for many years, and now, they have to integrate a new member.  They’re not sure how to deal with you, and you don’t know how to deal with them.  They’re taking the easy route by just falling back on old habits, which is to go to lunch with one another and so on.  With all the stress that graduate research brings, they really don’t want to bother making an effort to get to know you right away.  That is unfortunate, but you can’t change that overnight.  You have to get a thick skin, and try to integrate yourself gently.  Be patient.  Look for openings in their conversation and join in.  Instead of waiting for an invitation, ask to go to lunch with them.  It’ll be a slow process, but it will happen.

Now, let’s address your feelings of stupidity when they help you.  Think carefully on how they’re making you feel stupid.  Are they being blatantly rude?  If that’s the case, tell them.  Stand up for yourself.  Go to your boss if their rudeness is affecting your ability to work in the lab.  The best way to handle blatant disrespect is to be direct and professional.

If they’re not being blatantly rude, then you have to think about how your attitude can be affecting this.  Are they just being blunt?  Maybe you’re feeling vulnerable right now, and their no-nonsense comments about your inadequacies hurt your feelings.  In that case, get over it.  You might not want to hear that, but in science, you have to let go of your ego.  You’re young and inexperienced.  You have a lot to learn.  Your elders are busy with their own research.  They’re nice enough to help you by showing you the ropes.  Don’t expect them to sugar coat the truth.  If you’re wrong, you have to be informed and corrected.  That’s how you grow.

Best Wishes,

Reyne